Gratitude Lists

Thanksgiving is coming to Promise House today. We will enjoy our annual Thanksgiving Lunch with staff and teens. Our infamous cook, Peggy, has already done the turkey, dressing, and gravy. The rest of us are bringing sides (I hope!) We usually end up with five times more desserts than anything else.

So, what to be grateful for today? All of the twelve-step programs encourage daily gratitude lists to connect with what is right in our lives. In several of the darkest times of my life, these lists have saved me from absolute despair. But, when things get better, we (at least I) "forget" to do them. It's like the saying, "No one in a fox hole does not believe in God".....at our very worst or most fearful or most desperate, we call out, reaching for anything to ease our misery. In better times, we slide into complacency and forgetfulness. We take good things for granted.

But life is only a fleeting moment. What is here this minute is gone the next. There is no tomorrow.....certainly no guarantee of one. To be grateful in the moment, for whatever is in your life is a true gift and skill. To be present, really present TODAY, this minute, this second, is no easy task. Yet, it is the ONLY way to stay in gratitude.

Sounds great, huh? I can only get glimpses of that state of being. I can take baby steps every day. I can text Leslie and tell her I love her. I can "FaceTime" Kat and tell her how beautiful she is. I can look around at my home, my neighbors, my "hood" and smile. I can call my father and yell (he's almost deaf) how glad I am that he is still with us.

Today, I am grateful for Peggy's sweet potato pies, Sonja's green salad, Paloma going and getting ice cream cakes, and the fact that the kitchen and dining room at PH will be crammed with teens and adults sharing a meal together. The smells will be intoxicating, the conversation loud and hilarious, the Turkey games stupid and fun, the amount of food our teens eat, awe-inspiring.

What's on your gratitude list today?

Paloma

So, this is going to embarrass her to death, but today is my assistant’s five-year anniversary with Promise House. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of working with Paloma, let me just say that someone up their smiled down upon me when they sent her to me. As many of you know, I was beginning to be known as the Murphy Brown of Promise House. I couldn’t keep an assistant to save my life. I won’t go into all the details, but suffice it to say, I had just about given up all hope.

I knew Paloma from her history with Promise House. She not only had gone through our shelter years ago, but had served on the Board of Directors until she moved to Las Vegas. When Sonja, my street outreach manager, told me that Paloma was moving back to Dallas and wanted to interview for the position, I was very hesitant. But, after several conversations and interviews with her, she became my new assistant.....and I totally redeemed myself by hiring her!

Here are just a few of the highlights of her career thus far:
· She totally organized the government grant system (you have NO idea what a mammoth job that is!).
· She has totally taken over grant renewals, including HUD, which NO ONE understands (but her, now!).
· She set up the PH Connect system that we use for meeting and document management and continues to
manage and update it.
· She has created some of the coolest Power Point presentations ever.
· She screens my calls, protects me from weird solicitors, second-guesses what I need before I need it, keeps
all my correspondence catalogued and filed correctly, knows my calendar, and has such a pleasant demeanor
that most people would rather talk to her than me!
· She has served as translator more times than I can count and translates documents into Spanish whenever we
need it.
· She plans and organizes meetings like nobody’s business!
· She ALWAYS gets the catering right!
· She kept an orchid alive for almost 2 years that was given to me as a gift when my step-mother died (if it had
been up to me, that poor orchid would have been dead in a month!).

I’m sure I could go on forever, but here is the best part: I have NEVER heard her say anything but, “I’d be glad to”, “No problem”, “Don’t worry, we can fix it”, “I’ll get right on that”, “I’ll be happy to”, “Do you need me to work late?” Who does that??? From day one she kept a running list of her daily activities (she used to work for a law firm) which she emails to me at the end of each day, along with her plans for the next day. How cool is that??

By now she is probably hiding under her desk, but I can’t help bragging on her. I’ve often said that you can train someone on just about anything. But you absolutely CANNOT train someone to have the kind of attitude Paloma has.
So, thank you Universe for sending her to me…...and thank you, Paloma, for being you.

Happy Anniversary. Here’s to many more.

Fair Frump

So, am I a frump for not wanting to go to the Fair this year? Fried Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches? Fried Frito Pie??? Fried Beer???? Now, Fletcher’s Corny Dogs are sacred, but I’m not sure a trip just for them is on the books this year. Yes, the weather is gorgeous, but I think it will be much more fun sitting on my screen porch than fighting the madding crowds.

This doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed the Fair in the past. My childhood is replete with great memories of the Fair, and the admonishment from my parents that if we got lost, FIND BIG TEX and WAIT THERE! There were six of us, so someone always got lost. I will never forget the first time I rode the big wooden roller coaster with my Dad (I was about 6). As we crept up the first long hill, he’s saying, “See, Harriet, it’s not scary. Look what a great view you have of Dal……..” Then, WHOOOOOOSH, and the bottom falls out of the world, and I am so traumatized that I am unable to speak for the next 3 hours. Needless to say, I NEVER rode THAT thing again!

Then during high school, we bused down to Dallas every year from Sherman to march in parades, ride the rides, and eat all the gross food. It was a blast.

As my kids grew, an annual trip to the Fair was mandatory, with the numbers of kids to be chaperoned growing every year (as you know kids move in packs, with adults ALWAYS bringing up the rear). These were mostly fun times; HOWEVER, the year my kids were old enough to DROP THEM OFF at the front gate, I felt like I had been released from prison!!

I’ve been to the Fair in great weather, when it was 100 degrees in the shade, when it was pouring rain, on Texas OU Weekend (really bad mistake), during pregnancy (another bad mistake), in the evening when only a few people were there, and on a Saturday, when 10 million people were there. I’ve seen all the animals, new cars, pies, cakes, cooking gadgets, exercise equipment, “freak” shows, acrobats, folk singing groups, bird shows, etc. every year for at least 55 out of my almost 60 years on this earth.

I think I can take a year off. BUT…..I will really miss getting to ride the Carousel. It was the only ride my mother would ever get on, and I LOVED riding it with her every year. I just love those horses….and the music.

And....I have to admit, I will also miss Big Tex’s “HOWDY FOLKS!”

If you go, have a GREAT time and ride the Carousel once for my mother and me.............maybe next year.

Terror on Tuesday

This has been a day of high emotion, and it's only 10:30 a.m. My older brother, Bill, would have turned 64 today had he lived, and there was a shooting at UT Austin, where my daughter is in school. The school is still on lock down as I write this, with one shooter dead and police searching for another suspect.

Even though this incident in no way compares to other mass shootings i.e., Columbine, West Virginia, I am a wreck. My daughter is right next door to the library where the first shooter killed himself, and I will not breathe easily again until the outcome of the 2nd suspect is determined.

When I texted her originally, she replied, "Chill, Mom. All the doors are locked." As if that could stop someone with an AK47???? Yeah, just chill. I think I'll go throw up, instead.

UT did an outstanding job of alerting everyone and shutting down the campus in record time. Leslie is in with 200 other kids in this auditorium-style class and has no idea how long she has to stay there.

More later, as I know more. I was going to write a nice tribute to my brother, which I will do, but not until I know Leslie is totally out of harm's way and OFF that campus.

Little Bee and Other Horrors

I recently read the book, "Little Bee". It almost killed me. I had nightmares for a week--people shooting me, chasing me, dismembering me. I thought reading "The Lovely Bones" was a whipping (I didn't see the movie, needless to say), but "Little Bee" made it seem like child's play.

The story revolves around a young Nigerian refugee, Little Bee, who flees to America on a container ship after witnessing unspeakable atrocities to her family during the "war for oil". I won't say more than that in fear of having more nightmares, but suffice it to say it's NOT a comedy.

It is supposed to be a magical story of the undaunting human spirit, of the possibility of a transformed future, of love that conquers all; but truthfully, I never got there. I couldn't get passed the nightmare, the cowardice, the absolute brutality, the never-ending evil portrayed in a thousand different ways throughout the story (the women in my book club will have a field day with this!).

It reminded me of a near-death experience I had in graduate school. Due to an exploding ovary, I hemorrhaged internally and almost died before they got me to surgery to patch me up. As I lay on the surgery table, I felt myself leaving my body, floating up and up (like all the books tell you), could see myself lying there on the table, and thinking, "Wow, this feels great!" But then I remembered that I had a 3-year old daughter who was still at daycare and needed picking up, and, oh by the way, raising. So I decided I couldn't throw in the towel yet and had to get back down there into my body.......which, of course, I did. What I didn't do, however, was have that ecstatic spiritual experience that so many people speak of when they cheat death. All I felt was pissed off, depressed, and angry.

The same feelings occurred with this book. I have no concept of how people can call this book "magical", especially the ending. That is not to say that it is not beautifully written, well crafted, and significant. But the tragedy was simply too overwhelming for me to get to the magic.

This must be the way people feel when I tell them what I do for work. It seems to be almost overwhelming for them.....so much so that they are unable to see the magic I see. The magic of kids transforming before my very eyes. The magic of a horrifically traumatized young woman achieving her dream of a college degree. The magic of my staff and the daily miracles they perform. People who hear about my work go automatically to the tragedy, the loss, the trauma, the sadness; and until I can help them understand the magic, it alludes them.

I am those people about this kind of book. So, although this is beautifully written and profound, I think I can't read books like it anymore. And although I can see magic all day in my work, I need a break from tragedy, from trauma, from evil.....even when transformation or magic follows.....at least in the written word.....because I can't get to it.

My father used to wonder why we would go see "movies with meaning", as he would call them. "Why does everything have to make some damn statement? What happened to just plain entertainment?" I used to think that was so narrow-minded of him......until I began wondering the same thing. Maybe he needed "just plain entertainment" to soften all that he had seen and witnessed in his life. Maybe the same goes for me, as I near the age he was when he said that to me.

Some stories need a warning label: Unspeakable horrors ahead. Read at your own risk.

New Life Stage? We Already Know...

The New York Times Sunday magazine had a very long article about 20-somethings and the new "life stage" proposed by psychologist Jeffrey Arnett. He is calling it "emerging adulthood". Guess what ages this new stage encompasses? Yep, 18 - 24....the age group I have been preaching about for the last several years. Why have I been preaching about them? Because if we don't help these young adults who are aging out of the foster care system and/or the juvenile justice system, up to 45% of whom will be homeless within 2 years of their emancipation--not to mention the thousands of other homeless young adults who are not connected to any system--we will NEVER end homelessness. They ARE the future generations of chronically homeless adults.

Dr. Arnett posits several causes for this new life stage: the need for more education to survive in the information-based economy, fewer entry-level jobs after all that education, young people marrying later, young women waiting to have children, to name a few. The characteristics of this stage include: identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between, and "a sense of possibility".

The characteristic we see most in the young people with which we work, of course, is instability. They lack the luxury of focusing on education, or self exploration, or possibility, as they spend all of their energy simply surviving. Like Maslow's Heirarchy of needs, until they have their basic needs met, nothing else happens.

Although Arnett's theory in one way seems to be based upon privilege (only those with sturdy support systems have the luxury of "delaying adulthood"), what I really like about it is his insistence that these young adults have very different needs than either adolescents or adults. Although they look grown, the great majority of them are not, which is now being borne out in neurological study of the brain. We now know that the brain does not fully mature until at least age 25, and many times until age 30. Consequently, although these young people are more mature than adolescents, they are NOT adults, as defined by our society.

This research gives validity to my argument that adult homeless shelters are in no way appropriate for homeless young adults ages 18 - 24. However, neither are teen shelters, which operate on rigid schedules with tight supervision and strict curfews. What is needed is a two-pronged approach: a less rigid emergency center AND longer-term transitional housing WITH critically needed support services tailored to this age group i.e., educational support, life skills, parenting skills, credit establishment, family reunification, etc.

As with most other societal ills, we are currently treating the tail and not the dog. If we intervened appropriately in the lives of homeless young adults at this critical stage of between 18 and 24 years of age, we wouldn't see them at age 40 or 45, chronically homeless, addicted, and/or mentally ill (by the way, up to 40% of chronically homeless adults were in the foster care or juvenile justice systems as teens).

And, by the way, it's MUCH cheaper to treat them at 18 than it is at 45.

Why can't we get this???

Cliff Manor, Continued

In case you haven’t seen the Dallas paper this morning, there is an Editorial about Cliff Manor and the way DHA has handled the project. It remains curious to me how it is that DHA is taking ALL of the heat on this and Councilman Neumann is taking NONE. It was he who let the town hall meeting disintegrate into the Jerry Springer show, and it was he who chose to wait til 10:00 at the neighborhood taskforce meeting (after we had been there since 6:00) to announce that 13 individuals were being moved into Cliff Manor this week.

There have been recent DHA and Metro Dallas Homeless Alliance cooperative permanent supportive housing projects “installed” in other councilpersons’ districts that have occurred smoothly, with good neighborhood input, and with general support (after much education). The difference is this: the other council members showed leadership and were honest and upfront with their constituents about what and what not they had input. Neumann has continuously tried to play both sides and has caused chaos to reign.

The Dallas Housing Authority and Metro Dallas Homeless Alliance are going to house the homeless. Mayor Leppert has said he is in support of this. As a neighbor of Cliff Manor and an Oak Cliff resident for many years, I totally understand the neighborhood rebelling against anything that would impede our many years of hard work to improve Oak Cliff’s image and economic standing in Dallas. As a representative of MDHA, I know the ins and outs of permanent supportive housing and the research that lends credibility to the model. It works. It does not devalue neighborhoods. In fact, it adds value many times.

The knee-jerk reaction of "not in my back yard" is based upon the premise that permanent supportive housing is intrinsically bad, that it causes problems for neighborhoods, that it has a negative impact on home values, and that the people who live in these projects are bad people. Although the research in no way bears this out, the lay person DOES NOT KNOW THIS. It is our job as professionals who KNOW the jargon, who BELIEVE in the model, and who SUPPORT the individuals moving in to do a much better job of educating our neighbors on the benefits of permanent supportive housing, of the controls in place for the protection of the neighborhood, and of the intrinsic value of the individuals moving into their neighborhood.

Otherwise, the Cliff Manor uproar is only the beginning.