The End-All Ain't Gonna End It

So, here is why HUD's end-all to solving the homelessness problem, Permanent Supportive Housing, will NOT end homelessness.

Reason One: The requirements of eligibility for Permanent Supportive Housing i.e., persons with mental or physical disabilities, and chronically homeless individuals and families knocks at least 80% of the homeless population out of the running for housing. The chronically homeless make up only 10 - 15% of the total homeless population, and yet currently receive 90% of services. There is something wrong with this equation!

Reason Two: Permanent Supportive Housing does NOTHING to plug the pipeline into chronic homelessness i.e., homeless teens and young adults, teens aging out of foster care and the juvenile justice system (up to 38% of whom will be homeless at least once in the two years following emancipation). 95% of teens and young adults are NOT chronically homeless (on the street for at least a year or 4 homeless episodes in the past 2 years), and we do not want them labeled as such; BUT they WILL be if they are not assisted now. Additionally, most teens do not qualify as disabled (thank heavens!), and we don't want them labeled as such. The teens at Promise House are in school, working, raising kids, and functioning in the world. But they wouldn't be without our help.

Reason Three: Teens and young adults have very different needs than do chronically homeless adults. They need a phased program that moves from fairly high structure and supervision all the way to independent living, which includes housing and support services. You can't just stick a teen in an apartment, or give a teen a housing voucher or 3 month's rent, say "Go be successful", and expect success.

The only way to truly stop chronic homelessness is to plug the pipeline into it. If you were to ask 20 chronically homeless adults if they were homeless as teens or young adults, at least 15 would say yes.

I don't know why this is such a difficult concept to get. Maybe when the "end homelessness by" deadlines pass and there is still homelessness, folks that make the funding decisions will scratch their heads and wonder why.

Maybe they should ask me.

Same Old

So, here's a funny. Over the weekend, I was called at 12:30 a.m. Sunday morning to help the overnight shelter staff find the fire alarm key to disarm the alarm that had been pulled by a 9-year-old resident. The firefighters were going to break down the door of the office where the key was, so I decided to high-tail it up there.

I got to the shelter, unlocked the office, found the fire alarm key, gave it to the firefighters, laughed with them a bit about the false alarm (what IS it about firefighters that is SO engaging?), and then asked about the youngster who had pulled the alarm.

Upon learning his name, I wandered over to him and asked how he was doing. Crying, he said, "Not good." Me: "Why?" Him: "Cause I was trying to escape to find my mamaw." Me: "Did you pull the alarm?" Him: "No." Hmmmmm.......

Then he looks at me for the first time with tears running down his face and says, "You my mamaw!" Me: "You mean I look like her?" Him: "Yeah. Same old."

SAME OLD???? SAME OLD???? Now, I have to admit, I did NOT look my best after rolling out of bed to get here, but really? OLD???

Actually, I thought it was HILARIOUS. Only out of the mouths of kids would something like that come.

When I saw him the next day, he wasn't in a much better mood, but he did remember me. I was tempted to ask him if he thought I still looked "old", but decided not to risk it!

Gotta love 'em.

The Best Christmas Tree Ever

I’ve been partying so heartily this month that I completely forgot about blogging. But last Wednesday as we were decorating the Promise House Christmas Tree, I once again became awe-struck by the ability of our teens to be……just kids; and was inspired to tell you.

As we pulled out the decorations, decided how to do the lights, discussed which ornaments to put where, and ate pounds of popcorn, all the trauma, sadness, instability, abuse, fear, and uncertainty of their lives took a very backseat to the fun of the hour. We had babies, toddlers, tweens, teens, young adults, and us old staffers laughing, talking, decorating, and eating together as the tree blossomed into probably our best Christmas Tree Ever!

Even the shy ones got in on the act. With a little coaxing, a very timid 15-year old girl, who hates crowds, accepted the ornaments I brought her and found just the right spot on the tree for them. The older teens were helping the young kids reach to new heights (literally) while the toddlers wobbled around playing with and dropping the shatter-proof (thank goodness) ornaments.

When completed, the tree shone like magic and the kids, stuffed with popcorn and good cheer, shone right along with it. A good time was had by all.

I’ve often said that one of our most important roles in the lives of our kids is to be an anchor in their many-times stormy lives. Although we facilitate family visits, parties, overnight stays, and gift giving during the holidays with our teens and their families, there are always those kids who have no family, whose families fail to show or who disappoint, or kids who can’t be with their family for a variety of reasons. Consequently, it is experiences like the one we shared last Wednesday that serve as the anchor for them; that help them remember they are cared about, even loved. Hopefully, some day when these kids are grown and decorating their own Christmas trees with their families, they will fondly remember a long-ago day of tree decorating at Promise House…..and the sanctuary provided for them on that day.

That is the best Christmas gift for which we could ever hope!

Sometimes It's Really Hard to Say Goodbye

Ashley had been with us in the shelter for about three months. She left today, and we are all sad, hopeful, and anxiously awaiting news of how she does with her mom.

Ashley came to us from a foster placement, because her foster parent could not handle both Ashley and her baby. So, Ashley stayed with us and the baby in foster care (I’m not sure why they would not place her and the baby with us), but luckily, Ashley got to see her baby regularly.

She made great strides while with us. She graduated from High School, became a leader among her peers, got a job with the Texas Network of Youth Services interviewing homeless teens for a research study, worked hard in counseling, got stabilized on the correct meds, and we all fell in love with her.

Since she is in the custody of Child Protective Services, it is their decision as to her next placement. We tried to get them to place her and her baby with us at Wesley Inn, but evidently, she still has life skills she needs to acquire before they will reunite her and her baby. At any rate, if she does well with her mom in the next several months, CPS has said she can have the baby back. Of course, we’ve told her to call us at any time if she needs us, and Alex met with her and gave her all sorts of fatherly advice (take your meds, don’t get in trouble, call us if you need us, etc.).

So say a prayer, send a good thought, or do whatever you do to hope for good things for this child. Cause that’s what she is, and she has become our child over the last three months. And….it’s very hard to let her go…..and sometimes it's just really hard to say goodbye.

The Building is on Fire!

Grim news for kids aging out of Foster Care. A recent study (Youth Today's most recent issue) of 600 midwestern foster care alumni who were tracked beginning at age 17, and who are now 23, showed the following results:

1. 94% did not have even a two-year college diploma.
2. Over 1/2 were unemployed.
3. Eight in ten males had been arrested at least once.
4. 2/3 of the young women had at least one child.
5. 44% of males were responsible for parenting a child.
6. 1/4 had been homeless at least one time.
7. Over 1/2 had serious, untreated mental health issues.

Geez....where do I begin? We have been hearing similar statistics in the youth services field for years, so the results of this study are no surprise to me. What continues to surprise me, however, is how totally unresponsive government and the private sector continue to be regarding the plight of these kids. It truly baffles my mind on a daily basis how we think we can really end homelessness without attending to these kids. How many different ways do you have to say, "FIRE!" before people finally start to leave the building?! These kids are burning right before our very eyes, and we just continue to sit around and pretend they don't exist. Will SOMEONE please explain that to me????

My last blog post had a long list of "what needs to happen to solve this problem", so I won't go into that again. What I will say again is that these are kids who were supposed to be taken care of by the state, who were removed from their homes through no fault of their own, who were bounced around their entire lives, who were caught in the unbelievable web of bureaucracy that is government, and then who were flung from the web and told to fly......but given no wings with which to do it. It makes my head explode.

How can we as a nation be so uncaring? How can we continue to allow our legislatures to cut critically needed services for these kids, or even worse, ignore the fact that services like transitional living programs are so desperately needed?

Sometime I'd like to do an informal study. I'd like to sit a group of people down and show them various slides of animals, babies, children, teens, and young adults......all of whom needed rescuing from some type of abusive or life-threatening situation. I would bet my house that teens and young adults would be the LEAST chosen group to be saved. We care more about puppies than we do these kids!

Until we face THAT reality, the reality that as a whole, we just don't really like teens, especially those who look weird or scary or angry; or at the least, we just don't think about them at all when we think of groups that need help; until we face that and the fact that even though we may not like them, they still need our help; and the reality that up to 48% of chronically homeless adults have history in the foster care system (if you don't like them as teens, wait til you get to deal with them as chronically substance abusing, mentally ill adults!), I guess we'll just keep pretending the building is not really on fire.,

As for me, I'm leaving the building! I hope some of you will come with me.

There is a Place

I was thinking about one of my favorite pieces, "There Is A Place", from the recent Resounding Harmony concert. Here are some of the lyrics:

There is a place
Where you can always go,
Come with me.
Where it’s alright to let your feelings show,
Come with me.
What a pleasant journey,
Isn’t very far.
We can go together,
Stay right where you are.
And now it’s time to start.
It’s right here in your heart.

There is a place
Where you can be yourself,
Come with me.
And it’s a place
Where you can free yourself,
Come with me.
And you know it’s waiting,
Not so far away.
Need no reservations,
We could go today.
Now it’s time to start.
It’s right here in your heart.

There is a place where every sorrow ends
Come with me.
Where every hope and every truth begins.
What a pleasant journey,
We can go together,
Stay right where you are
Now it’s time to start.
It’s right here in your heart.

When I first read the lyrics, I thought they were too smalzy. But as we rehearsed, and I continued to hear the music and listen to the lyrics, I fell in love with it. And I also realized that Promise House is that Place for many, many teens who have lost all hope, who hide their feelings behind steel walls, who have never been able to tell someone the truth of their lives.

I especially love the part of the song that says, “We can go together. Stay right where you are”. How many times have we told street teens calling us late at night, “Stay right where you are. We are coming to get you.”

What a beacon of light we are to those teens. Promise House is a place they can always go--with no reservations. We are a place where it’s alright to show their feelings. Where they can be themselves and start to free themselves. A place where their truth can begin.

And we are always waiting, not so far away.

Yes Sir, Yes Ma'am.

I had the privilege of hanging out with one of our transitional living guys for a while today. He needed a ride home, and I was available to take him. On the way there, he received two phone calls, both pertaining to a job he had applied for . Here is how it went: "Yes sir, this is _________. Yes sir, that is really good news. Yes sir, I will be there Monday morning. Yes sir, thank you, sir." Next call: "Yes, this is ______________. Oh, hello. Yes, I would love some good news. Yes ma'am, that is awesome news. Yes ma'am. Ok, ma'am. Yes ma'am, I'm going to be there Monday morning. Thank you so much ma'am for calling. It was nice to meet you over the phone, ma'am."

So here's a lesson for all you people out there who think teens are incorrigible, rude, thoughtless, self-centered, etc. Here is a young man who has every right to be bitter, angry, belligerent, and rude; but instead, against all odds, is polite, well-mannered, grateful, positive, and a joy to be around. Lesson: stop stereotyping teens.

By the way, he starts at Mountain View Community College in January.

What a gift it is for me to be able to be around such miraculous young people.

One Promising Teen At A Time

So here is a happy story. A 17 year old girl who was in the custody of the state came into Promise House about a month ago. She was getting ready to turn 18, which meant that she would be out of care and on her own; and, unfortunately, all of our transitional living slots were full.

Consequently, our shelter staff sprang into action to make sure she would NOT be on her own when she turned 18. Here is what they did before her birthday:

1. Helped her talk to her aunt to see if she could stay with her temporarily
2. Helped her take her GED test
3. Assisted her in completing applications to community colleges
4. Got her enrolled in Tyler Community College
5. Got financial aid lined up for her through the college
6. Helped her apply for the Promise House Blake Davis Memorial Scholarship for higher education
7. Gave her school supplies, clothes, and hygiene products to take with her
8. Got her signed up for mainstream services (Medicaid, SSI, etc.)
9. Threw her a birthday party with a big cake
10. Gave her a big hug and wished her luck when she left.
11. Told her to call if and when she needed help.

She starts school in January. This is how we change lives at Promise House. One promising teen at a time.

Empathy Stops Here

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother. For one thing, I knew parenting could be done differently from the way I was parented. And somehow, I just knew that I would be great at it. I don't know if that turned out to be true, but I have loved every second--even when the seconds weren't that great.

Someone up there knew I needed girls.....there are so many things to love about little girls, not to mention being able to play dress-up again! Every stage brings new and delightful evolutions. Being able to witness their growth from little girls to beautiful, smart, creative, and yes, smart-mouthed young women has been the peak experience of my life. Whatever other accomplishments I have, they pale compared to witnessing the miracle that they are.

I have often said that my girls aren't mine. They came through me, and I was temporarily entrusted to bring them safely into adulthood. But both of them are soooo much more highly evolved than I could have ever hoped to be at their ages---they belong to the universe. I was just lucky enough to be chosen by them to walk through life with.

So, what is all this touchy-feely talk leading to? This: I will never have empathy for parents who are entrusted with the care and nurture of their children, but reject them; abuse them; neglect them; are too self-involved to hear them; are apathetic toward them.

We deal with the kids who are the brunt of this every day at PH. Kids who have been removed from their homes; kicked out of their homes; left alone in their homes; abused, neglected, ignored, used, thrown away. The ramifications are mind-boggling. Kids who can't connect; who can't trust anyone; who hate the world; who hate themselves; yet still long for their parents. Unbelievably, still long for their parents.....still long for their parents....still long for their parents.

I can't relate to these parents, don't want to relate, ever. I hope you won't either.

Amen For Friends

I had dinner last night with Peg and Marty, two long-time friends that I hadn't seen in 20 years. Wow! How can 20 years speed by like that??? Three hours later, we decided we needed to do this quarterly, as we could have sat there another 10 hours, probably, updating each other.

Marriages, divorces, deaths, grandbabies (not me, of course--I'm too young-hah!), grown children, accomplishments, challenges, gossip, updates on mutual friends, reminisces about our younger years together.....and miraculously, none of us had aged a bit!!

It truly is hard to believe that we are the ages that we are, that we have lived so much of life. I still feel so much like a teenager so much of the time--unsure, awkward, self-centered, self-involved, ageless, self-conscious. I can't fathom grandkids (I'm just launching my youngest child!), and sometimes jump back in shock when I look in the mirror--who is that older woman??

I'm not sure if that means I'm developmentally arrested or something, but at least it comes in handy with the Promise House teens. I GET them. I know who they are, how they are feeling, what their fears are, how they cover them up, what their fights are about.

What I don't know is the trauma so many of them have suffered--shuffled through the foster care system, abused at the hands of parents or step-parents, kicked out of their homes for one thing or another, trying to make it on their own.

I know the effects of that trauma, but I can never say to any of them that I understand what they have been through. I can only sit and listen, create a holding environment in which they feel safe enough to walk back through it all. And hopefully, heal a little.

To me, one of the worst effects of their trauma and transience is the loss of history and long-term connections. I've talked about this alot, and it is the one thing that makes me want to take them all home and create a history and a family connection for them.

I feel extremely fortunate to have long-term connections such as my friends Peg and Marty; my next-door and across the street neighbors of 20 years; my siblings; my graduate school buddies. They are my history and I am theirs. Even if I don't see them for another 20 years, I know if I needed any of them, I could call and they would be there in an instant.

The lack of these connections for our kids makes working with them very poignant. What keeps me going is that hopefully, they see us as that long-term connection and a major part of their history; a friend they can call on anytime--even 20 years from now--if they need help; that we are their anchor in the turbulent waters of their lives.

Like Peg and Marty are to me, we are to them.

Amen for friends.

Russell

As I drove up to PH this morning, I saw a tall, lanky kid sitting on the picnic table by our parking lot. No one else was around, so I knew he wasn't with the shelter. I walked over to him and realized that he looked really familiar. "What's up?" I asked. "Nothing, just waiting til y'all open". Sonja, my street outreach manager walked up about that time. "We're open," she said. "You look really familiar," I said. "Yea," he said. "I'm Russell. I was in TLP (transitional living)." "Oh yea, I remember you," I said. "Where are you now and what are you doing?". "Well, I'm trying to work and am going to AI (Art Institute) to learn to become a chef." "Very cool," I said. "What are you doing here?" "Well, I need to talk to Darrell (his former case manager) and Patrick (our receptionist)." "Patrick??" "Yea." I didn't ask anymore questions--Sonja could sort it out.

I've said so many times that we are an anchor for our kids, that we become their parents, and that like all kids, they leave and then they come back when they need us. Russell is a perfect illustration.

So, he met with Darrell, talked with Patrick. I have no idea what was settled or discussed, but what I do know is that he knew we would be here to help him or simply to talk to him, pat him on the back and send him back out into the world.

The Russells are what make my job worth all the headaches. And he didn't even bring his laundry to wash!!